life at 19

life at 19, its hard to explain. its as complicated as a combination of many small components and elements and which will then add up to it, but some just prefer to see it as simple as a matter of attitude towards it.

its so different from the past, when you can do so much without thinking much and get into all sorts of trouble, knowing that at the end of the day, nothing much will happen to you. the heart to seek excitement and thrill slowly dies down and you'll find yourself easily satisfied, or should i say, given up on most things. through all setbacks and difficulties, the fear of landing in the same kind of shitty situations holds me back in certain stuffs, be it personal of friends. and yes, friends, definitely a thing highly ranked in my life. im glad they were there when i needed them, though usually during those times, they dont sense anything. well, thats just guys. although its not like the past, when we used to hang out almost everyday. i try to be the best of friend i can be at times but its really hard and tiring when you realized you might be the only person trying so hard, which made me understand that everyone carries a certain amout of expectations for themselves, as well as responsibilities.

talking about responsibilities, its another strong factor thats leading my life into a different direction now. things i do, words i say, i must be responsible. as much as i wanna do things my way, do things the way i like, i feel that im always restricted. i dont wanna let anyone down, especially my parents and my sister. i know i cant be the perfect son and brother to them, but i try to please them as much as possible. i dont wanna be the under achiever which is what exactly i am now, but i know its gonna be hard, another heavy responsibility. i know theyre disappointed in me at times in the past, but they just dont tell me about it, simply because they know they can trust me and everntually i'll learn from all my mistakes, hopefully.

one thing i hate is that people tend to take things for granted. i tried to be nice to people in the past but bastards and bitches just wont fail to surface in my life and screws the peace. im not someone whos petty though. may be you know who you are, and i just wanna say, "Thanks, for screwing up my life, then."

everythings neither here nor there now. i used to wish for someone to come by and lead me on but i just dont understand why time and time again, its always the wrong kind of person. some might say im hard to understand and they desperately wanna know whats on my mind every minute, coz im just too mysterious a person. i do wish for that special person who trully understands me to come by but it seems kinda impossible. its such a superficial world out there, and it scares me. ive learnt to differentiate but i chose to keep quiet everytime. by keeping quiet, some tried to climb all the way up to my head, and it just turns me off. people are just so two-faced nowadays, and eventually it'll reach a certain stage where by you wont even know whos that person anymore. in my life, ive encountered many who tried to hide certain facts and truth about themsselves in order to keep their angelic image.i hate exposing them, not because im one of them, but i see no point in hurting them and then in the end, its me who eventually gets hurt. just another reason why i seldom open myself up to people, except some good friends.

life is pretty meaingless isnt it, to me at least. ive seen through many people in my 19 years, and its already at a stage where by those i can really trust are only my family and that handful of friends who walked alongside me and guided me through the years willingly. and im glad.